Contentment

Content. A feeling I strive for, something that I momentarily grasp, but not a state I live in for long.

Why is it I think what someone else has is so much better than what I have? Well Huff, most of the time it is! My house, my car, my talents, my body, my intelligence...I could go on for hours, and cite specific examples of someone I know that has bigger, better, newer, slimmer...whatever.

I lead groups at work on self-esteem (yeah, irony at it's finest!) and tell my clients to be happy with what they have. But how the heck do you do that? How do I see a Jaguar and not feel cheap in my Caliber? How do I visit a friend in their brand new house that still looks and smells like a brand new house and not feel like a loser to return to my cracker-box? How do I attend church every Sunday, seeing all my peers with their spouse and children and not feel like a reject for going alone?

Last Sunday I was the only never-married single person in my class. (We all know that divorced-single is a whole different class than never-married. They have kids, the ex, baggage...I just have contempt and bitterness.) Anyway, I had not felt that alone in a long, long time. Maybe since college. I could have just cried. This is why I sporadically quit attending Sunday school, then feel guilty and return.

I know what you're thinking. Hey Huff, at least you have a car, a house, and even though you don't have a boyfriend or husband, kids, all that crap, you still have people who care about you. Yes, I know. But that's the struggle with being content. It's never enough.

This is my new almost-end-of-the-year resolution. Feel the envy, then let it go. Don't deny the envy, it's there, but deal with it and move on. Who knows, maybe what they have isn't so great after all, and maybe someone wants what I have.