Contentment

Content. A feeling I strive for, something that I momentarily grasp, but not a state I live in for long.

Why is it I think what someone else has is so much better than what I have? Well Huff, most of the time it is! My house, my car, my talents, my body, my intelligence...I could go on for hours, and cite specific examples of someone I know that has bigger, better, newer, slimmer...whatever.

I lead groups at work on self-esteem (yeah, irony at it's finest!) and tell my clients to be happy with what they have. But how the heck do you do that? How do I see a Jaguar and not feel cheap in my Caliber? How do I visit a friend in their brand new house that still looks and smells like a brand new house and not feel like a loser to return to my cracker-box? How do I attend church every Sunday, seeing all my peers with their spouse and children and not feel like a reject for going alone?

Last Sunday I was the only never-married single person in my class. (We all know that divorced-single is a whole different class than never-married. They have kids, the ex, baggage...I just have contempt and bitterness.) Anyway, I had not felt that alone in a long, long time. Maybe since college. I could have just cried. This is why I sporadically quit attending Sunday school, then feel guilty and return.

I know what you're thinking. Hey Huff, at least you have a car, a house, and even though you don't have a boyfriend or husband, kids, all that crap, you still have people who care about you. Yes, I know. But that's the struggle with being content. It's never enough.

This is my new almost-end-of-the-year resolution. Feel the envy, then let it go. Don't deny the envy, it's there, but deal with it and move on. Who knows, maybe what they have isn't so great after all, and maybe someone wants what I have.

Not Impressed

Today, as I was travelling to a training, I passed through the hometown of my former fiance. I suppose I can call him that, since we were engaged for 2 whole weeks! I also had the great privilege of passing my former-future-father-in-law, or at least his vehicle (didn't notice who was driving, just saw the license plate.) While cruising through this town I had to pass the ex's law firm, which is prominently placed on the main drag. I usually stick out my tongue as I pass, but this time I didn't even turn my head that direction. He is dead to me. Kinda.

I have forgiven him for being an idiot. After all, who would reject ME? I have also forgiven him for being afraid to work on our relationship, since his biggest fears in life were to have a bad marriage or get a divorce. Now I'm sure that being an attorney he has seen plenty of messy divorces, bitter custody battles, and has a healthy fear of going down that road himself. But come on! To dump someone because we had an argument (or a whole weekend full of them, I'll admit) is a bit extreme. At least I think so. My biggest fears are drowning or having a disease so rare, they have to name it after me!

I suppose we never really had a chance at success. I was never adequately impressed with his material possessions (hated that darn Corvette!) and he has never had to struggle to make ends meet. We had completely opposite views of happiness, wealth, and what is charity. I continue to shop the clearance racks while he continues to get a new car and truck every year.

I am "over him" in the sense that there is absolutely nothing in this world that he can say or do that will make me love or even trust him again. I guess I'm not "over him" that I do think about him every day, sometimes good memories, sometimes in anger, sometimes because I still have gifts in my house that he gave me, and I'm too cheap to throw them out and buy my own! (Hey, that's a really nice space heater in the closet!)

Because of him I'm not impressed by wealth, or the desire to achieve wealth. People who have money worry about money, talk about money, complain that they have to pay money and complain that they're not getting enough money in return. They want more money and worry about keeping the money they already have. I always thought I'd want to marry a wealthy man, but now I see that there are a lot of strings attached: prenuptual agreements, keeping up appearances, and keeping up with those who have more money than you. It's just not worth it in my book.

On a recent mission trip to Haiti I met people who have very little by means of money, housing, clothing, or even food. Yet they were happy. They were joyful. They love their family, they love their friends, and they love their Jesus.  They wanted to share with us what little they had, knowing that back home, we have much more than they.

That, my friends, did impress me.

And I do want that. Very much.

Coupons: wonderful, or evil?

I have a co-worker* who is nuts for coupons. She had them in boxes, bags, storage containers and binders. She loves to tell us how much she saved, and was at one time considering framing a receipt where she saved over $100 dollars!

I have nothing against coupons. Honestly, I don't. But I've spent a few minutes lately looking though her cache of coupons, and found, maybe, 20 that I MIGHT use. That is if I even rememebr I have a coupon for it.

As a single gal with NO storage space, does stockpiling shampoo make sense? Do I really need 10 cases of water? How long will it take me to eat 17 jars of peanut butter?
I have a few that I'll TRY to use this weekend. Maybe I'll save a few bucks, or maybe I'll buy stuff I don't need and won't use. We'll see.

*I dearly love this co-worker and in no way am I making fun of her. I just love how excited she gets when she "stacks" her coupons and gets a great deal!

Animal Magnetism?

Buddy, my dog of 9 years, has learned to dig this summer. Yes, he's a bit slow. So with this new and exciting skill, he has managed to escape the confines of my backyard 6 times since June, including one escape from my parents' fence. I have spent many hours driving around town looking for him, many dollars purchasing chains and locks, fencing, and bricks. Now, after the backyard is semi-Buddy-proof, the little mongrel...ahem...darling dog has decided he prefers to stay in the house. MY house!
While my dog can't wait to run away from me, I have had 2 cats find me in the past 2 months.

I had a darling kitten, whom I named Babykins, wander into my neighbor's yard, decide she wasn't home, then cry until I HAD to find her and rescue her. (Can't take crying from human or beast.) She was so tiny, so trusting, and so hungry. Below is Babykins in my first plan for housing the first night I had her.

Awww, isn't she sweet? I had her for 2 days, took her around the neighborhood but no one claimed her. I finally took her to the local animal shelter. I pray someone found her and loves her!

So last night, I go outside to water my Lazarus plant (not it's name, but I swear I've killed it at least 5 times this summer!) and there's a cat. I have had cats camp out on my front porch before, but this guy was different, something almost human about him. I said "That's ok Kitty, I won't hurt you." He lays back down and watches me drown my plant. I got him some food, which he snarfed down, and scratched his head, which he loved! He's been declawed and is obviously some one's baby. I looked this morning, and was more than a little disappointed when he wasn't on the porch. I've looked for him tonight too-- no sign of him yet.

Buddy didn't care for either of my house guests, but I felt a strange but special connection to each one, like I was there for them when they needed me most. I may be reading WAY too much into it, but I don't care, it makes me feel special too!

And how could I forget to post a picture of Buddy, who will be the topic of many posts to come, I'm sure!

This is the stuff...

Ok. Once is a coincidence. Twice is just plain crazy.

Last week I sang Francesca Battistelli's song "This Is The Stuff" for my church's offertory special. It went ok, but after the song, I started to go back to my seat (front row, woot woot!) and heard painful silence. Yup, I had forgotten Steve the piano-player had taken the service off and I was supposed to play the doxology (Give Thanks).

So I hop back up to the Clavinova to play it, and realize I don't even have the stupid music laid out! Thank God I had just alphabetized my music folder that morning, or I would have been leafing through hundreds of pages for the next half-hour. After I get the music out, I can't play it worth crap! Never could. Hate the song. But anyway, we stumble through it, and I count it all to my stupidity and lack of fore-thought.

Scene 2: tonight I sang the song again for a cluster ice cream social. (The three United Methodist churches in Olney get together once a year to gorge themselves on homemade ice cream, Texas sheet cake...it's a beautiful thing.) I sang the song, only messed up one line (I don't think anyone noticed) then took my place at the keyboard to play for the Hymn Sing. I start playing the first song, and the keyboard power goes out. Kinda. There's still power, lights are flashing, but no sound. I keep playing just in case it comes back mid-song. Nope. They turn it completely off, then have to wait for it to reboot.

Is it just me, or is it the song?

It's me, stuff like this happens to me all the time.

But here's the song, since I'll not be singing it again. Enjoy!

Welcome Back!

This blog was unread and un-updated for 6 years. Well folks, I'm back. Or rather, I'm here. Finally.

I've been thinking about getting back into the blogopshere for a while now. I have thoughts that need to escape the dark corners of my mind, but are usually too long to put on Facebook.

I have no rules for this blog, but I do promise not to use it as a complaint board. I sometimes have cute stories about Buddy the Super Pup, about my job and about life in general. I also promise never to name a post "Randomness."